...BATHROOM PARODIES ON MANY SONGS / GOING TO THE BATHROOM

If ever I would see you,
It would not be in the bathroom.
Going to the bathroom
Is private for sure.

If I have to see you;
If it must be the bathroom;
If ever I would see you…

Going to the bathroom.

I have often walked
Down this hall before,
But I never saw graffiti on the wall before.
Does enchantment fly out of every fly?
No, it’s just in the stall where you…

Going to the bathroom.

Boy, boy, crazy boy,
stay loose boy.
Got a rocket in your pocket
stay coolie cool boy.
Go man go, but not like a yo-yo school boy.
Just keep it cool, boy. Real cool.

Going to the bathroom.

So you say I’ve got a lot to learn
About the in’s and out’s of porcelain
Won’t you tell me what I’ve got to learn?
Teach me tonight.

Starting with the ABC of it,
Right down to the XYZ of it,
Help me learn the mystery of it.
Teach me, tonight.

Going to the bathroom.

The answer my friend
Is blowing in the wind.
The answer is blowing in the wind.

Going to the bathroom.

Do you just fart or do you go to the bathroom?

Going to the bathroom.

The shadow of your bum
When you sit down
Will color all my dreams
From dusk to dawn.

And when I remember spring
And all the joy that bathrooms bring
I will be remembering
The shadow of your bum.

Going to the bathroom.

Starry, starry night.
People drinking lots of beer.
People always end up here,
Touching private parts and sitting down.

Sometimes standing up.
When you drip, do you wipe down?
And do you shake it like a pup
When extra dribbles threaten rain?

Going to the bathroom

JAN has guitar on and waits in foyer.

Mistress of Ceremonies Cat Townsend introduces Dr. Stern.

DR. STERN: Thank you Cat. It's a pleasure to be here. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dr. M.D. Stern, M.D., Ph.D. in psychology. As luck would have it, my offices are not far from here and when Jan told me during our session earlier today that she was performing at Cat's Impetuous Books, one of my favorite hangouts, and confessed to feeling a higher than normal level of performance anxiety, I offered to introduce her and hold her hand through this little trauma.

Unusual you think for a shrink to take the stage on behalf of a patient, er, client? Just so. But Jan is an unusual individual and first presented with delusions of grandeur two weeks before Valentine's Day this year. You see, Ms. McLaughlin believes herself to be Princess-at-Large.

Now, I normally prescribe appropriate medication, increase sessions, and sometimes in extreme cases like this even advise hospitalization, but I found Jan's particular delusion oddly compelling, especially in combination with the underlying complex multiple personality infrastructure. Call me a sadist, but I found the landscape of her particular madness is so compelling, I chose to let the flood run its natural course.

Among Jan's many personalities you will find a poet, film maker, composer, lesbian biker babe, zen nun, musician, novelist, pervert, style maven, actor, director, choreographer, and cheerleader.

Without further ado, I am pleased and proud to introduce long-time client, collaborator and friend, Princess-at-Large Jan McLaughlin.

JAN: Thank you Dr. Stern. Will my insurance cover this?

DR. STERN: [shakes head "Yes" with a knowing, "I beat the insurance companies all the time" smile.]

JAN: I think I got 40 minutes coming, right?

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Princess-at-Large Issues Edict -
Poetry and Poets Henceforth Forever Banned

Ballbusting 101 for Girls