THE EVILS OF CHASIN' PUSSY

I'm takin' my cat for a walk.
The way that works is
she goes an' I chase after.
When I was younger, I'd run fast,
find myself in strange places.
Now I wheeze an' find 'em too.

Last week she leads me to this open space.
'bout a hundred three foot high kids
are whackin' the shit outa each other,
chasin' footballs in ten fields
separated by strings on sticks.
Ole guys an' some women are screamin' ona sidelines:
"Hit em!" "Get it!" "Run!" "Crush em!"
"Fight, you limp dicks, Fight!"

---

COARSE OFFERINGS

My buddy Steel City Steve keeps buggin' me
'bout improvin' myself.
Go to college, he says,
check out the chicks.
OK for him, he ain't that old
an' he don't stink, least not much.

So he hands me this sheet
from the local college—
courses for the spring.
I pretend to read, glance at a few, turn the page.
What the hell is this? I say,
pointin' to the spot which says:
"Cunnilingus for Co-eds."
He tells me.
No shit, I say, you gotta be kiddin'.
No, no, he says, it's the latest thing—
got a syllabus, exams, and a lab too.
But forget it. They ain't gonna let you in.
Maybe you should try this one.
I look to where he's pointin':
"How to Expand Your Asshole," it reads.

Nah, maybe some other time, I tell him.

---

THE LEPRECHAUN CIRCUS

Little red-haired people runnin' around,
"Kiss me arse! Kiss me arse!" they shoutin',
droppin' drawers, wigglin' wrinkled cheeks.

Them's the bosses, I'm told.
An' there's a long line of perfessor types
waitin' for a turn.

Now I ain't never seen it myself
but my bar buddy Steve
teaches at a college an' tells me it's so.
I gotta believe him. We share lotsa stuff.
Besides, he's educated an' ought to know.

Anyway, I look real close at his lips
an' think maybe it ain't such a good idea
if we drink from the same bottle no more.